dreams

Dimly lit room. Well, not lit but by the glow of the television. Comfortable. One sofa facing the television. One small table on which he had his legs. His arm stretched out over the neck of the sofa. A comforting presence next to him. His wife. But more important than her, than even her, the thing they had made together. Her soft hair streaming down her neck as she stared at the television, her teddy bear clasped to her chest. He could imagine the tiny eyes in awe at the scenes playing out on screen. It was Aladdin or lion king. Some movie from his childhood. It didn’t matter. What did matter was this feeling, right here. In his heart. A warmth, a filling up of the hollows of his heart. A feeling that had eluded him. He had danced with it, it had skirted around him. But it had always found another partner, it had seemed. It had never stayed with him for long. He looked over at his wife, eyes filled with love and wonder and awe at this magnificent creature he had the privilege of being married to. And together, they had produced this miracle. A daughter. He had always wanted a daughter. He had wanted a child. So he could give them the world, and prove that vicious cycles can end. They don’t have to circle on to infinity. And here she was. He grabbed her and lifted her onto his lap, and tickled her as she squealed in delight. He laughed and let her go, and moved closer to his wife. He wrapped an arm around her, as she snuggled into his chest. He kissed her forehead. How was it so hard for that asshole piece of shit to have a happy family? This wasn’t a problem. This isn’t a problem. He shook the negative thoughts away. It didn’t matter. ‘He’ didn’t matter. And if anything, all the pain had made him into the opposite. A loving person. Not a piece of shit wife beater. He shook his head. He felt her look up at him curious, concerned. He kissed her on the forehead and wrapped his arms around her. Buried his face in her neck. She accepted his hug in silence and hugged him back. His heart was at peace. Finally. After all these years, drifting in the choppy waters of his fucked up family. Finally. He was done. He was free. He had cut himself loose from the mast they had tied him up on. He had swum away from the wreck of a ship they made their home. He had set anchor in a paradise. He was afraid, to be sure. The anchor was always ready to be drawn up. Out of fear. But this time, he had a ship of his own. One that he would steer away from that menacing crew of motley people that had raised him. He sighed. He lifted his head from her curtain of hair. He looked at her, kissed her full on the lips.