which one?

There are very few Big, Important questions in life. Today, I’m struggling with one.

TLDR version: heart or mind?

But first, a prelude. My birth certificate says January 1st, 1995. My parents disagree over what time I was born. Whether it was the wee hours of the morning, or the drowsy hours in the evening. That should have been the first clue. The second? When I was between the ages of one and four, my mother ripped my right arm out of its socket. It’s not important. I don’t say this to elicit pity, I say this as an explanation for what comes next. The third? For seventeen years of my life, my self esteem had its head under the ground because of my parents. I only gained any shred of self confidence from the first girl I dated, who would later go on to cheat on me. I think that says a lot.

I am twenty five years, seven months, and twenty days old. In my society, it is past time that I should get married and start a family. If it were only that, my headstrong personality wouldn’t have let it happen. But I want to. I’m ready.

Now the question. The first girl I met, we began talking about ten days before we met. She shares my interests. One last tangent, if I may. The man who alleges to have given his dna to the thing that would become me, has throughout our lives been saying “aurat this, aurat that.” ‘Women only want to backbite.’ ‘Women only care about money.’ ‘Women only want nice things.’ And more specifically, ‘no girl will be okay with you getting up early.’ ‘No girl will be okay with you being out of the house in the morning to run.’ ‘No girl will be okay with your dogs being in the house’ (the assumption in the last is because he thinks they’re filthy animals, therefore everyone must). And so on and so forth. This girl used to exercise six hours a day, she loves dogs, she used to have one, she used to run, she plays chess, better than me, it seems. She is attractive. I am not attracted to her.

Then we met another girl, she used to have a dog, she’s about to get three more. She is attractive. She seems more attractive to me than the other girl. I’m still not attracted to her.

Now, the question. The first one, my mind tells me yes. My heart says no. I used to be a hopeless romantic. If my heart doesn’t consent, anything I do, when it won’t be from the heart, will seem insincere. My mind says yes. My heart says no. My mind says, ‘what if you don’t find someone else that matches your interests so well.’ My heart says, ‘to be attracted to someone is pretty damn important.’

My longest relationship was with someone I wasn’t initially attracted to but shared some interests with. Later, I became attracted to her, whether out of comfort, or because I convinced myself I was.

My favorite relationship with someone was based purely on attraction. We had minimal interest in common.

So. Mind or heart?