dreams of a saint, now a dreamless sinner

Falling.

Falling.

Wind screaming around him.

Whooshing.

He looked at his arms, flailed them around. He was strangely calm considering he was falling.

He didn’t have any idea of time. It seemed like it had been forever and it seemed like it had been no time at all.

The wind rushed about his ears, a howling sound now.

He closed his eyes. He knew where he was by the smell and the sound way before he opened them. The splash, if there had been one was silent. But there was an angry hissing boiling. The smell of sulfur and acrid fumes hung heavy in the air. Anywhere else, they would have made him cough. Here, they just were.

He opened his eyes. The feelings of dampness and heaviness settled on his heart.

He was in the cavern. Again. Around him were walls dancing with shadows by the glow of the fire. He was standing in the middle of it. There was a brief respite before it would begin. There always had been. He had been here many times. The pool was deep and shallow at the same time. He could see to the bottom. It looked far away, and very close by. Things were strange in this place. The fire twinkled. Almost winking at him. He sighed. It would begin soon. He wasn’t worried about the anticipation. The pain would come. It would be excruciating. It would be terrible. Until then, he had these few moments to look around in silence. Other than the hissing of the fire, there was that of the animals. Snakes, lions, all predators. Fire in their sockets, in place of eyes. Intelligent. Evil. Terrible. Fire.

The edges of the pool of fire were rough, sharp spikes. Teeth waiting to catch those who tried to escape. Funny, he had never thought of it till today. Had he thought he deserved it before?

It began. He let out a silent scream, sounds caught in his throat. The fire began to burn through every pore in his body, igniting his blood with the heat of a thousand suns. His skin began to turn red, glowing as if it would burst, then black and slowly disintegrating. He barely noticed it. There was red in front of his eyes, vision like blinks. Animals that far away. Blink. Closer. Blink. On him. Hissing, screaming, screeching. Before they could have him, he was gone. Dead. Burnt to a charred crisp. They didn’t want that. The smell was bad. Then he was back. They were farther away. It began again. Fire burning through his limbs. A thousand pins of molten lava, precise, and heavy, and dull. Fire caught in his throat. He couldn’t scream. It was drowning him. In his ears. Bubbling, hissing, angry. The sensations never dulled. They were precise and painful down to the moment of non existence. And then he would come back. He would be here for eternity. Until the nightmare ended and he was reborn. Reborn without sin, replenished, unmarked as a newborn.