hurricanes

I eat when I’m lonely. There’s this emptiness gnawing away at me, and without realizing, I eat. A subconscious attempt to fill the whole hole. The emptiness. A hungry pit, a yawning chasm.

I have these dreams. Simple dreams really. Someone on the front seat of the car when I’m driving. Someone with which to interlock hands. A house full of kids. Not too many. Maybe two. Maybe one. Someone to watch shitty movies with. Someone to cook for.

That’s what you get when you’ve been in relationships for the better part of the last seven or so years. And then you get yanked out of one and have none. For the most part, it’s fine. I keep myself busy. I have a schedule. I’m distracted, busy, occupied. But then it comes.

It’ll be a simple thing. A little too much time. Vacations that dragged on for too long. A shitty book that gives me too much time to think while reading. But I have to finish it because I have this stupid thing where I get an itch if I don’t finish a book. It’ll be a simple thing.

This time, it was just sitting on the dining table. Blender with smoothie on one side. Plastic container containing some vegetable dish, it tasted so good. I kept eating. And eating. Past the point of no return. I was full on the second glass of the smoothie. I was outside my body. Just eating. Looking in. And then I entered my body and regained control. Ninety percent of this huge dish was finished. The smoothie was all gone. Another brief moment of lack of control. Licking my lips. Looking at the empty blender for forlornly. Another few spoons of the dish shoved in my mouth. And then I got back control. It was a really humbling moment. The looking inwards. The introspection. I put the dishes away, and stood by the counter. Dizzy without any weakness. Without any explanation. I was full, could feel my stomach bulging. I was empty. Around the same area. I was full enough that I could hurl. Yet I was so empty and felt like I needed more and more to fill me.

Depression is a wave. Loneliness is a hurricane. It sweeps you up and whirls you’re around. It makes you dizzy. It may not come that often, but when it does, it uproots you from your stability, sucks you in, swirling around the pieces of furniture you have gathered in your head-life. And you are in the storm. In the eye of the hurricane. Looking around at all these things. Your mind is chaos at the moment. Everything is uprooted. Everything is being destroyed. Thunder strikes one of the foundations of your mind, and it sets alight. A quiet glow.

Loneliness is a hurricane. It might come very rarely, but when it does, all the peace is swept up and debris scattered in its wake. All that you have spent all this time to build. It proves meaningless. Because it is as strong, if not stronger than the last hurricane.