loud and clear

The car pulled out of the driveway, the weak, warm rays of the dying sun reflecting from it. With a roar, the gate rolled closed. The sky was mauve and orange. The headlights of the car beamed bright on the black gate as it turned onto the street. Inside the car, there was an anticipatory silence. You could almost feel the internal huffing and fuming. Otherwise, quiet. Outside, birds chirped frantically as they tried to find each other and their way home. The big car turned.

“What did you just do in there?” It was quiet, almost calm. But everyone knew it was the calm of an elephant herd just about to stampede.

“The truth.” This voice too was quiet. A volcano about to erupt.

Silence. The other two just sat in silence, one still without moving, the other would try to defuse the tension soon by whistling or humming. But not now.

The volcano erupted. “You know what the biggest lie you’ve ever told me was? The one that caused me to run away without knowing why. For years. For fucking years. The one that caused me to find love in others because I couldn’t in myself. The one that caused me to get dogs. It took me more than two decades. But I finally get it. You know what the biggest lie you ever told me was? The only thing you get for free in the world is your parents’ love. Sure, everyone else has an ulterior motive. But even this isn’t free. If anything, it isn’t even love. You know how fucked up the two of you have made us with your so called love? I am always looking for love, and am afraid of human interaction. The second one, why do you think he runs away too? Years of therapy and he’s still depressed. Have you never wondered why he’s not over it? Never for a second thought that maybe it had something to do with your free love?” Laughs. “And him,” pointing to the other passenger in the backseat with him, “we don’t even know what’s wrong with him yet. Wait till we find out. This one will be the best.

Your love? Is conditional. Always dependent on looking the best. So that you can show off, “look how well I raised them.” Always having better, nicer, bigger things. Oh you want me to be religious? What’s the point of your fasts if you sleep all day, fast for two hours. Oh, so very religious. You broke my arm. I’m not hung up about it. And let’s not even put it in this argument because I’m sure you had a good reason. You probably didn’t but chalou. There was this one time I threw an undershirt in the laundry after wearing it for a day. You know what happened? You took off your shoe and beat me with it. Why? Because ‘you should wear it at least two days before throwing it in the laundry.’ Well, guess what happened seven days later. The next Monday, I wore it that day and the next day. You know what happened? You took off your shoe and beat me with it. Why, because ‘you shouldn’t wear it more than one day before throwing it in the laundry.’ You know a hilarious memory I have of my childhood? It’s only funny in hindsight. Even now I remember that the actual time itself was horrible. I was running around that little table we had in our old room and you were chasing me with a shoe. About to hit me. It’s funny because it’s so ludicrous. It’s funny because it’s not normal. What did I do? Probably got some addition or subtraction problem wrong. But the solace I have, it’s not solace, but it is a funny thought. Since you lot think that the girls in my generation are what you think they are, wait till you get a daughter in law. She won’t care enough about you to have you visit your grandkids, and I won’t care enough to bring them over. I wouldn’t want either of you poisoning them.

If I have kids. Because you think I’m impotent, don't you,” turned to the driver. “Your so called love is conditional on asking questions, is conditional upon your son not being in this country, is conditional on not saying anything stupid, preserving your reputation. Remember the story about the preacher who didn’t pay enough attention to his house, and his son died of a drug overdose. That’s your love. One word a day. That’s it. Love. Not enough respect. Not enough faith. You teach us to mistrust everyone but family. Poison our minds with doubts for everyone. And yet, remember the Sialkot incident? Couldn’t doubt them for a second. It had to be me. Couldn’t be likely that the girl was having an affair. You come up with the most ludicrous explanation, they reached out to my college friends. Because you don’t trust me. Of course you don’t. That’s not part of your love. Your love is being emotionally unavailable. So what did I do in there? The truth.”