first, a disclaimer. last, goodbye

First, a disclaimer. I really don’t feel like writing this. Like there’s not the passion or the fire or the spark. Not the switch flicking on. So pardon me if it doesn’t come out as eloquent. But I really want to get this done and dusted. Out the way. So that it’s truly and finally over.

It has been five months since it ended. By the time this is up, it will have been six. I decided a few days ago, it was really bad, the sense of loss. I was going to message you. Instead I messaged your suitemate asking for advice. It was helpful. But I realized that enough was enough. I couldn’t help myself. I ended up reading where it all went to shit. That was helpful. I realized that I was already done with this in the last week. It takes two to end it. And you really wanted to fix it then. I hadn’t. It was me that told you to end it. I didn’t want to have blood on my hands, I sometimes wonder what would have happened had I ended it. But like I said before, it doesn’t matter now. It was over the last week. And I told a couple of people later, I knew when I could have fixed it. I chose not to. I didn’t want to handle the problems. My fault. Which, honestly, is fine. I forgive myself. It took me five months. But I forgive myself. Don’t get me wrong. I fucking love you to the moon and back. But it’s time to flick the switch. Like I did with the one before you. The one I’d loved for eight years. And sure, eight years vs nine months. But her, I’d loved from afar. Her, I’d loved the idea of. You were real. Were solid. We were in love. And now we’re not. And that is fine. I just noticed. I said we are not. Because until a week ago, even now. I love you. But I am not in love. It’s such a fine line. But let me explain. I love you because I am thankful for all the memories, for the experiences. I am not in love because enough is enough. I can’t sit around and write songs and stories about you, and keep mourning. It’s time to move on. So there it is. You were solid. You were real. You were some of the best nine months of my life. I will cherish those memories. I’ll treasure them. You are special. But I have decided that mourning you indefinitely, not a good idea, not at all. So this is it. I know I’ve said it before, it’s very likely, the power of this message is weak. I deleted you off the one thing that reminded me of you like clockwork every week, Apple Music. But this is it. It has been beautiful. I love you. But it’s time to flick the switch. And I have. My world is, at the same time brighter, and a little darker because my sun has flickered off. But as the light flickers, I know eventually it will become stable. And there will be a beautiful grassy pasture waiting. Goodbye.