approval - the little things

The car trudged along the busy road. Outside, the smell of noxious fumes and tempting diesel. In another time, he would have wondered how good dinosaurs must have smelled if diesel was so heady. Imagine being buried for millions of years under dirt and mud, and then come out and smell so damn good. In another time. In another time, he might have seen the cars, the brightly colored trucks, the motorcycles with families mounted on them. As it was, he was looking out the window, but he didn’t see anything. Not really. He gulped as he steeled himself to say what he needed to. It had taken nine months away, being on a break to become emotionally strong enough to do this. He understood why it needed to be done. Unknown to him, his hand gripped the side-rest in the car tighter. The driver drove along silently.

It had been a busy day. But it was fun. It had become a lot more fun since he had been back. The first time had been fun too, but it was a different time, it was a different age. And the problem then had been that his expectations had been warped coming in. He had not expected the dismal, and the delightful had been different from his imagination too.

Woh kya hai na, logoun kay idea jab aap sunnaa shuroo karou to maan jaatay hou.

Yeah, he had not known anything about the business. Neither had the people surrounding him. The ones that had not been involved in it, the ones that didn’t know how it worked. The ‘armchair scientists’, the ‘conjecture experts’. He had fallen into the trap of believing them. Not consciously. But it had happened.

Reality had been different. Reality always is. Textbooks can only tell you so much. Real learning is done in real life.

So the first time, he had just gotten off on a shaky start. But it wasn’t even that, as much. What was worse was dealing with them. Those two. Her, he had always expected- see it still came down to expectations… her, he had always expected… she would be difficult. Him, him, he hadn't . He just hadn't interacted with the man. Not enough to know. Now he had to. Eight hours a day, ten to six, he had to interact with the man. And it was good. And it was bad. The bad was really bad.

He braced himself, his heart was holding its breath, his ears felt warm, his fingers trembled. His feet felt twitchy. His head hummed with blank space.

It came out too fast. His father turned. Looked at him strangely. He always felt his father was disappointed in him when he looked at him like that. When he looked at him most of the time. He tried again.

“Look, I want your approval. I crave it. That’s why i get so upset so quickly. That’s why i try so hard. That’s exactly why i’m not as lucid around you as i am around others.”

There, he had said it. He had taken the first step. Now they could maybe talk. Maybe they could work things out between them. He sighed. His heart leapt. His fingers and feet felt freed from their bonds. His head on clouds. The world was beautiful outside.