you deserve better

“You deserve better than this,” he did not have to gesture around, his words were impactful enough. I knew what he meant.

It was a beautiful sunny day. The green on the leaves was lit up by the rays of the sun, that perfect combination of color and light only nature can achieve. The air outside was cool, fresh, moist, but not humid. The surface of river between the two sister cities sparkled. From the window behind him, I could see the City That Never Slept. I worked there. I deserved better than this. I deserved better than this.

I had never thought of it that way. I don’t even think I believed that to be true. Not that I didn't deserve better, but that what he was offering was better. What he had done without knowing it was offer something else entirely.

“You deserve better”, those words would haunt me for the next two months, by the end of which would be the finale.

Tears welled up in my eyes, tears such as I had not not known before. There was a great upswell in my heart, a confusion, a panic, but… but… but this seemed due to happiness. My emotions were all running amok, my hands shivered, my preferred foot began tapping the ground uncontrollably.

“You deserve better”, behind him, I knew to be that iconic skyline that was on so many postcards. I had never bought a postcard of it. Because I lived here. But I was not looking at it. I was drawn to his face. His aged face, grey stubble forming around it, not a lush head of hair, but not sparse either. His face, I didn’t know that well. I should have. I did not. It seemed so strange, and so far away, even though he was sitting in front of me. I felt small. My chest felt uncomfortably warm.

Tears welled up in my eyes. I could see his rimmed with them. Red. Tears such as I had not seen before on him. He was the one that was supposed to be strong. His voice had cracked when he had said better. These tears could not be barricaded, could not be closed behind a dam. These tears would have their way, would make paths of rivers across my face. They would do the same on his.

After that, we could talk no more. The emotion was too great. Our words would get lost. After a moment to recover, we walked out the building, across the street, and into the one I lived in.

You deserve better. These words would ring through my head as I’d stand and sing and teach. I taught chess. At a private school. I was paid fairly well. But I deserved better. Did he really think that highly of me. Did I deserve better. These words became an insidious virus that would eat away at my thoughts, day and night, until I would give in to the suggestion he had made.

I quit my job, and went home to work with my dad.